Two years ago today, I joined Zaadz.  I was sad and confused.  I was unsure of myself, I had forgotten who I was and what I loved.  I had no clear direction, but I knew that I desparately needed to find a direction and try it out.  My first post-divorce romance had ended and that really hurt.  I was told that it had nothing to do with me, but my ego let me believe otherwise.  He was sad, I was sad.  We were both sad and I couldn't understand why the pieces couldn't be put back together again.  He sent me a link and invited me to join Zaadz.

I looked at the site and felt intimidated and small.  Did I have anything "wise" to say?  Did I have something to contribute?  I looked and I didn't join.  I looked again a few days later and decided that I didn't have much, but I knew that I needed to find a place where I could give myself a chance to discover the me that I had forgotten.  I posted a blog and felt like a fish out of water.  I made a friend and before I knew it I had lots of friends. 

I found a voice.
     People heard that voice
and
     They responded.

I have had friends come and I have had friends go.  I have unexpectedly bumped into a Gaian, and I was left speechless (probably the first time ever!).  There have been arguements and disagreements, misunderstandings and blowouts.  Hell... there has been drama!  But when the fire has died down and the smoke has cleared, everything has worked out.  I have said goodbye to some great people... those who felt compelled to move on to bigger or better or different waters. To each his own.  I have stayed.  Sometimes I have been silent.  I have been nosy and noisy...   There have been questions and there have been answers.  Some of you have fielded more than your fair share of questions, but your answers were never taken for granted, rather taken to heart.

I have colored with crayons... outside of the lines and outside of the box!
I have looked at the world through a new lens.
Learning to love and to be loved... a better person one step at a time.
I have a place here and I'm going to stay.

Thank you for an amazing two years.  As I head into year three, I say thank you for joining me on my journey.  Thank you for your friendship.  Thank you for being inviting and patient.  It's time for the next adventure to begin!
Hugs!
-Susan

Yesterday was Saturday.  It was like any other Saturday... filled with wonder and adventure and exploration.  It was a full day and a fun day.  I came home around 9:00 and and checked the phone messages, like I always do.

My Dad lives in Germany, and he always calls me on Saturday morning.  Sometimes I don't get to talk to him in the morning because the day is calling and I like to get moving early.  There was a message from my Dad waiting for me.  His voice was weak sounding and a bit shakey.  He went on to say that my Auntie, Lolo, was dead after a long, evil battle with Cancer.  A cancer that had eventually taken over her whole body.  She had died on August 18th, but he had just found out.  He went on to say that he thought his relationship with his brother was a good one, but his brother had not even said a thing about Lolo's death.  My father had even asked him how Lolo was, and my uncle had replied that she was always the same.

My father was so hurt.  He had found out from his sister.
Dominoes falling.
Death.
Sorrow.
Shock... she was the best and she was perfect for my uncle.
The two of them were book-ends. 

~Jokers... always finding the bright side, the silly side, the light side of life.

~They were cat lovers, and I must say that I was the catalyst (no pun intended) for their deep love of cats.  There's a story there,  but that's another blog!  Their flat is full of cat items.  It's really a sight to see!

~Spirited.  Lolo had spirit to spare.  It actually spilled out of her and spread easily to others.

~Adventurous.  Lolo loved to discover new adventures.  Her infectious fun made even a trip to the store, an adventure.

~An Infectious laugh... When Lolo laughed, other people couldn't help but laugh.  It wasn't one of those little surface laughs, it was a laugh from deep within.  Once you heard it, you cracked a smile and joined in.

~Fashionable!  Lolo had the greatest collection of clothes.  She owned many animal prints, but she could wear them and ALWAYS looked great! 

She was so sick and cancer had taken so much away from her.  I was in Berlin, Germany last summer, but I did not get to visit with her.  She was far too sick, and she wanted us to be able to remember the spicy, spirited, fashionable, loving Lolo that she was.  She didn't want us to see that cancer had turned her into a hollow shell of the woman that she once was.

This morning I got the saddest email from my uncle:

Dear all,

my wife Lolo is dead,

she died on 2009 August 18 on cancer.

Lolo was and is my  greatest love in my life.

We have had wonderful days and nights and I am very very sad.

In my heart Lolo will always stay by me.

She was a most valuable person which I have ever meet so.

Details you will get from Sigrid and Carl

Love

Jürgen

For my uncle, I wish healing.  It hasn't been easy for him.  He has lost his love of 33 years.  Not many people can say that they loved someone for 33 years.  More than a third of a lifetime.... that's a long time. 

It's not that my uncle didn't want to tell my Dad.  He just didn't know HOW to tell my Dad.  I am so sad and I can't even imagine how painful it must be for my uncle.  66 is too young to die.

Auntie Lolo, you will always be my favorite.  I think that the other Aunties know that.  I know you're not supposed to have a favorite, but I do and that's that.  I will carry on your love of cats.  Whenever I laugh, I hope to have just a bit of your spirit and joy in my laughter.  I will be fun, like you.  I will be great in my own way.  Please know that even though you are gone, you will always live on in my heart... always.
Love and hugs!
-Susan

     I miss my Oma.  She lives across the ocean in Berlin, Germany.  At 93, she had to move into an assisted living facility.  Her apartment, or flat, now belongs to someone else.  I wish that I could see her every day.  I miss her hugs and kisses and the way she smells like Nivea creme.  I miss the twinkle in her eye, her laugh and her sing-song voice.  I miss the way a tear sneaks out and rolls down her soft cheeks when we laugh real hard.  She will always be close to me, as she's a part of my heart, but I still miss her and that's not easy.

Dr. Dolittle... I know that animals have a language, and I try to talk to them every chance I get.  It sounds wacky, I know, but I try to communicate with animals.  Sometimes the response is great... dogs love the conversation.  I have found out the hard way, however, that Robins DON'T like the conversation.  One Robin in particular knew my face and my voice, and it tried to attack me every day until her chicks were out of the nest.  My friends and I found this to be hilarious.  One day my friend Jon said "Susan, you aren't Dr. Dolittle, and you can't talk to the animals.  The Robin doesn't like you.  When are you going to figure that out?"  That made me want to try even harder!

I usually carry any and all tension in my shoulders.  The muscles are generally tight, but that's just the way I carry myself.  When the stress becomes too much, then I lay down and relax.  Sleep does me a world of good.  I wake up refreshed and relaxed.

I'm grateful for a job which brings out all of my strengths. 
It is truly a position which allows me to be everything that I am and always have been.  I get to live and play with my true passion every day.  I'm afraid not many people can say the same thing.

I've just entered into my 17th year of teaching.  Same school, same clientele... different kids, different position.  I teach 35 miles (one way) and upwards of a 70 minute commute (one way) from home.  The kids are the ones who keep me going back year after year... the train has cut down on my commuting stress and the kids keep me coming back for more - year after year.

This year, I'm teaching 3rd, 4th and 5th grade science enrichment.  It's a position that I should have taken several years ago, but fear kept me away from it.  I finally gave in when my boss presented it to me again. 
I don't really think I could have let another year slip by...
Another year where the teacher's heart wasn't in what she was doing.
Another year where some half-assed answers were handed out and the kids left not knowing more than when they started.

Is it difficult.
Hell yeah!
Do I love it?
Every minute!
I'm lucky that I have my dream job... that it's never boring.  Each day is a new day and each year is a fresh opportunity to improve the machine... to make it better... to find new ways to make learning fun, exciting and engaging.

I'm grateful for a chance to truly be myself every, single day.  I'm grateful to be able to share my love of science with students, and I hope that my love ignites a similar love of science in others.
Hugs!
-Susan